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Trauma Triggers Make No Sense

Triggers That Do Not Make SenseNot again, I say!  I’m tired of these.  Trauma triggers make no sense and drive me crazy.  They come in like a thief in the night and do a hit and run on me.  The latest had me feeling very angry when I woke up this morning.

The trigger is one that I’ve experienced many times before.  If something rubs my back in a certain speed and pressure, it sends anxiety and panic and a startle through every inch of my body.  At night, this can be as simple as one of the sheets or covers on my bed just barely moving against my back.  I kind of like a cocoon of blankets wrapped around me because it feels safe.

Then if I proceed further, the trigger that amplifies things is when I wake up and enough covers aren’t on me and I’m feeling cold.  That coldness is like a mega watt speaker amped up to full volume so that anything else going on is magnified many times over.

I can kind of understand the covers thing to a degree because I had the monsters (a.k.a child molesters) staring at me while I got dressed or undressed growing up.  Of course, they got their rocks off by doing this.  Sometimes they would watch me in the middle of the night after I had went to bed.  Even in the very hot summer with no air conditioning in the house, I would sleep with covers over me.

Yet, I still don’t get the back trigger.  It doesn’t fully make sense to me and yet it haunts me constantly.

The cold weather is one that I’m sure probably goes back to when I was a kid.  We lived in some very old, poorly insulated houses in the country.  The heating system was poor at best and it was difficult living in those homes.  We had little money and so the houses were not warm at all.

Yet, I still don’t get the cold trigger especially at night in the middle of my sleep.

I’m sure there is more to this story and I just can’t access in my memory bank.  There isn’t a day or night that goes by that I fail to realize its presence.  Even with all the extensive work on my body and healing, I still struggle with this trigger from the trauma I’ve been through in my life.

The triggers make no sense.  Of course, most triggers from trauma don’t make any sense until they come into clear view.  I know this and understand that part, but it still doesn’t make it easy for triggers that do not make sense.  I realize it is connected to trauma that I’ve been through, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I’m sharing this in hopes that it helps others and it documents another part of my own journey.  For now, I just try to identify when it happens, rather than staying unconscious to what is taking place.


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Filed under: Trauma

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